Karl, Carla‘s partner, has shared with those who could not attend her service, the eulogy that Carla prepared before she passed on…
Dear friends and loved ones
As I contemplated this memorial service, I felt great gratitude in my heart that each one of you would be here to say good bye to me. Many of you have shared your kindness, warmth, and love with me during these last several months. I would like to say thank you and also share with you the lessons I have learned through my experience.
I have profoundly experienced that love is all that matters. Like many people I occasionally had gotten caught in my pettiness and selfishness, thinking I always knew the right answer. While I judged others, I have also judged myself even more harshly. But what I have learned is that we carry within ourselves an abundant wisdom and love that allows us to heal our weary hearts and judgmental minds.
During the time of my illness I have learned to love more deeply than ever before. My heart feels as if it has exploded. I do not hold or carry any anger. I feel that we are all doing the best we can. Judging others only closes one’s heart, and when time is limited, that is a waste of precious sharing. Life is how we stand in relationship to both ourselves and others. Loving and helping each other is all that is important.
There is certain naturalness to the cycle of life and death, and for whatever reason it is my time to pass on, even though I am young. It is ok. It is right and natural. Life is not about how long we live, but how we live, and I have had a good life. I accept my passing as part of the wondrous process of life.
My sadness is that I am leaving you. I will miss the deep comfort and love of gently waking up in Karl’s arms. I will miss Michael waking me up for blueberry pancakes and not being able to fulfill our future dreams together. I will miss the sunny days of fishing with Karl and barbequing with Justin. I will miss giggling with my sister over life’s little impasses. How appreciative I feel when I think of my sister’s faith and how she always encouraged me.
As I lay here I think of all of you, each special in your own way. I have loved and shared this life with you. I reluctantly give up walking on this beautiful planet where every step is a prayer. The glistening sun on the trees, the sound of a brook as it makes its way down a mountain, the serenity and beauty of a gentle snowfall, sitting staring at my garden and catching a glimpse of eternity, these are the things I have loved.
Whenever a difficulty presents itself think of it as a gift, something begging to be seen or understood. Try to find your own way to trust in God.
I ask you to take care of your health you are riding around in this incredible vehicle. It is not only respectable but critical if you are going to fully enjoy the ride. No matter what state your health is in be grateful. There are lessons to be learned even in illness.
I believe in order to fully understand ourselves to grow, grieve, change, and fully enjoy life we must fully open our hearts to others.
I have tried to be a good friend to all of you. I have tried to bring something into this world that may no longer have my name on it when I leave, but has brought comfort, encouragement and a spark in to your lives. I am very grateful that you all have loved me.
Please do not think that I have lost a battle with cancer, for I have won the challenge of life. I have shared an unconditional love; I have opened to the mystery of the Holy Spirit and feel that divinity is around us every day. It provides us with a path on which our spirit may take flight.
Chief Crazy Horse said upon his final battle “it is a good day to die because all of the things of my life are present”. That is how I feel as I think of the abundance, adventure, opportunity and love in my life. When you think of me know that my spirit has taken flight and that I love you all.